I closed out the year with a major fuck up.
It was a shitty coda to a great year.
I’m not sure whether I’m super rusty in adult human interaction, if I lost some self-awareness in unexpected enthusiasm, or I’m just an asshole and it got revealed in cataclysmic fashion.
Likely it was a combination of the three.
I hate that I potentially fucked up what I think could have been a chance to create a shitload of joy, but even more than that I really hate that I may have been insulting and uncaring and exhibited low quality character. Fuck fuck fuck.
I tried to make an apology. Fortunately there is a lot of source material these days on making quality, ego-free apologies. I made a list of all the things I wanted to get out of the redress – a remaining open window, a request for a chance to make it right, some dialog of forgiveness – and then I made sure none of those topics appeared in my confession. I know that I tend to strike a non-productive tone of light humor under stress, and I believe I kept that to a minimum (but not zero). Fuck fuck fuck.
I think there’s nothing more for me to do with my offended around my episode in assholery except ensure that I learn from the transgression. For me, despite my personal disappointment in not meeting my own standards, a ton of great life changes have flowed from the experience that continue to accelerate. Hopefully the repercussions of my jack-assedness are short-lived and my improved life long-lasting.